Today we’re going to get really deep and it’s for a good reason. Brittany from Clumps of Mascara sent out her weekly newsletter talking about how on May 15th she wanted bloggers to post about Mental Health to not only make an impact but to help normalize mental health concerns. As soon as I saw the call I knew that April Favorites would have to be pushed to Wednesday so that I could join in on this important topic. Many of you may not know this but for six years the Hubs suffered from depression. This was a hard time for him, a hard time for our marriage, and what people may not realize but a hard time for me as well. That first time of saying to myself “My Spouse Has Depression” was, at that time, one of the hardest things for me to say because you naturally think “could I have prevented this” amongst other things. Today I’m going to tell you what you can do to help if you’re currently having the “My Spouse Has Depression” thoughts.
My Spouse Has Depression: Support
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One of the biggest things that you can do if your spouse has depression is support them. A lot of people seem to think that depression is just a strong “case of the sads” and this is far from the truth. From the beginning I could tell that something was off with the Hubs; he seemed sadder, he was quicker to anger, and everything was “his fault”. Anytime any of these things happened I would make sure to try to make him happy, to back off to avoid fights, and most importantly try to show him how things weren’t his fault and the things that he had accomplished. The important thing to know is that this will not always work. There will be times that they withdraw, they get angrier, and they say things that cut deep. If you are planning on supporting your spouse through their depression you need to know this in advance…and accept it because getting angry back, blaming them, etc. will just make their disease worse!
My Spouse Has Depression: Patience
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One of the hardest aspects of having a spouse with depression is seeing them in such psychological pain which can then lead to emotional and physical pain. To go along with that seeing them drag to get going in the morning, seeing them come up with excuses to not be involved, and hearing the things that they will say to push you away. Even though you tell yourself over and over “this is not the person that I married”, “my spouse has depression”, or “this will pass” it can be hard to watch and hear. Instinct is to push, pull, and fight back but that is the worse thing that you could do. Patience in many forms is needed if you’re going to support your spouse with depression. Patience to wait out the dragging, patience to come up with reasons past the excuses, and patience to listen to the digs and barbs and not respond to them.
My Spouse Has Depression: Getting Help
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If seeing your spouse going through pain is one of the hardest things about supporting a spouse with depression then getting help is the actual hardest. Getting help is two-fold and both parts can be the hardest part of dealing with depression. The first person that you need to get help for is obviously your spouse, however, how do you help someone that doesn’t even want to admit that they have a problem because that’s what a lot of people with depression do, deny the problem. If you tell your spouse to set an appointment to see someone they won’t do it because they won’t believe they need to see someone. If you set an appointment for them and tell them they’ll avoid going because, again, they don’t believe they need help. If you set an appointment for them and don’t tell them you could actually damage the trust in the relationship as they’ll feel betrayed. Some ways to get a spouse help is to talk with them, tell them you’re worried, and offer to go with them.
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I said that getting help is two-fold, the second fold is getting help for yourself. Yes, even though YOU don’t have depression YOU still need help. You may need a personal therapist to help you sort through the emotions that you are having and how to deal / help your spouse. You may need a couple’s therapist to help the both of you get a grasp on the depression and how to handle it. You may need emotional support from your friends and family to also help with these things on a daily basis.
My Spouse Has Depression: Talk About It
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There is no shame in the fact that your spouse is dealing with depression. YOU have done nothing wrong and more importantly THEY have done nothing wrong. Letting the people in your life know what is going on will not only allow them to help you and your spouse but will also make it where you’re not making excuses for the things your spouse says and does. When the Hubs was first showing signs of depression I felt that I needed to make excuses for the things that he did. For example, if he didn’t want to go to a celebratory dinner instead of just saying “He’s battling depression and today isn’t a good day” and leaving it at that I felt the need to say “Oh he’s not feeling well, stomach virus.” That not only made me a liar to my friends but put everyone in the awkward position at later meetings when someone asked if he was feeling better etc. Being honest, open, and owning the fact that you are both in a battle and neither of you are doing anything wrong.
My Spouse Has Depression: Resources
For More Information on Depression:
To Find A Doctor Near You:
If You Or Your Spouse Are Considering Suicide:
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
- National Suicide Prevention Number: 1-800-273-8255
- CALL 911 IF THERE IS IMMEDIATE DANGER OF SUICIDE
Support Groups For Supporters:
I always said that my ex was depressed. Whenever I would try to approach the subject with him, he would get defensive. He’s remarried now and I hope he ended up getting help.
Yes, hopefully he wound-up getting help.
Mental Health is such an important thing and I think this is a great post to guide those through dealing with a spouse or even just a family member or friend with depression.
It’s sad that mental health conditions have such a stigma in today’s world.
Sounds like although a challenging time for you both, you were able to support him and move through it. Thank you for these resources with helpful (and mindful) ways to delicately support our spouses (or anyone) who may go through this.
Yes, this really can be used by anyone who has someone in their life that has depression including a child, friend, or even a parent.
Thank you for sharing this this is such a difficult subject to talk about. But I think it’s very important to notice the signs so that you could hopefully helped your loved one during this difficult time .
Yes noticing the signs and not dismissing them as them just being sad or angry is super important.
I am sorry to hear that your partner has depression. Coming from personal experience I know how hard it is to seek help and I spent a long time denying that I had depression. When I finally acknowledged it , it really helped me gain perspective x
The Hubs has said, since getting past the depression, that the moment that he actually admitted to himself that he had depression was when he could see what he was doing to himself and the people around him and it helped him to start making the move towards the healing process.
Depression is rough. My late husband had depression and was on meds. Life seemed great until he decided to take his own life. It was a shock and we never saw it coming. I really wish he talked to me or someone about it getting worse. This article is great to help those whose spouses are reaching out for help.
I’m so sorry that you lost your husband in that way. In all the supporters that I’ve talked to most said that they wish their spouses would just talk to SOMEONE about the depression especially as they start that downward spiral to “rock bottom”.
Getting help and talking about it is so important when facing depression. It’s great that you are raising awareness on this topic.
Patience is the most important. You can’t force someone to not be depressed and you can’t ‘fix’ them.
Exactly! Thank you for putting the “you can’t ‘fix’ them” that is exactly what I was wanting to say but couldn’t think of how to phrase it, you’re comment hit it on the head perfectly.
While my husband doesn’t suffer from depression, i think a lot of your tips are great for relationships in general as well. Communication and patience are key. We all have something going on in our heads at times and need someone to be there for us.
Depression is not an easy thing to deal with or leave with, it needs lot of support and help from everyone.
Yes it does.
One of the hardest times in my marriage was when my husband was struggling with depression. I didn’t know how to help him.
These are all great tips. I am the one with the spotty depression. I should forward this to my husband.
Feel free to, I purposely wrote spouse so that it could be read by either husband or wife and so that they could see themselves in the post and not have to try harder to relate.
This is something that we don’t often or maybe we don’t really like to talk about but it needs to be discussed and we also need to raise awareness so that people can get the help that they need. It’s really important that you are supportive and patient.
It’s never easy to deal with depression especially when you’re alone. It’s important for a spouse to be supportive and patient and they have to learn how to listen and understand as well. I really appreciate that you’re also sharing resources in case they need help.
I knew before I started the post that I was going to put resources in there. If you’re trying to find help you shouldn’t have to go to multiple places and hunt down something that should be easily available.
Depression is really tough. I’ve never really had to deal with it, so I’m thankful for posts like these because you just never know and I really wouldn’t even know how to begin dealing with it. I know I’d be supportive, and all but I haven’t dealt with it before so it would be new and rough…
I am the spouse with depression. I’m so grateful for my husband’s love and patience through the whole process. I am (thankfully) doing so much better now but it was really rough for awhile.
Having a spouse with depression can be challenging for your relationship. It’s important to support them and get them the help they need without being judgmental.
As someone who battled depression, I know how alone you can feel. The worst part is when your family or partner doesn’t understand how you feel and thinks you should just suck it up. If you are with someone with depression you need to be compassionate. Depression is not something you just overcome, it takes time and therapy, and understanding.
Wow, this is always a pretty hard subject discuss. Patience is definitely important when dealing with depression and your spouse. Awesome that you are bringing awareness to this topic.
This is such a much needed post for all the women out there who are dealing with this situation. This is a wealth of great information and wonderful resources that you have shared!
Suffering from depression myself, I know that I cannot fix my spouse. Unfortunately though, it’s so easy to put the blame on yourself which is hardly ever the case. Thank you for shedding the light on mental health!
I battle clinical depression a lot. I told my husband about it when we first met. He has some really great qualities about him. One of them is his patience. I am so happy that he is good with that. It really helps me to cope with the bad days.
It’s good to hear that you found someone that can support you. I imagine it would be hard going into a relationship with depression already present and that most would think it “to hard”.
These are all great tips I’m suffering in depression and me always get mad with my hubby, Finding a Doctor was good for me, Glad you share this
I would think dealing with a spouse with depression would be so difficult. I don’t know if I would have the patience. These tips are great and probably help tremendously to know others are in the same boat.
This is an important topic because many times feelings are dismissed when we don’t understand someone else’s struggle. Everything might feel fantastic to you and you can’t quite understand why anyone would feel poorly about the same place in life. Getting help for your partner and being a good listener is necessary.
Yes both of those are necessary!
I totally agree that we really must know the signs of depression, talk about it and get help. This is very informative and helpful.
Ughhh it would definitely be tough to have a spouse with depression! I have a bestie with depression and the best thing you can do is just be there for them!
My mother has suffered from depression most of her adult life. It’s so important to be supportive of our family members who are going through this.